My Dear Bunglehorn,

I had to laugh at your patient’s friend who is dismayed at his fiancé’s request for a different wedding ring. His grandmother’s ring, a family heirloom no less, is just a bit smallish, a bit too old fashioned, just not the right ring for her. What a testimony to materialism’s grip!

Isn’t that the trend these days? We see it every time we pass the jewelry store in the mall. Women fawning over the engagement rings, the next one oh so much prettier than the last. The men, shifting from toe to heel, feeling the pressure of a “gift” they cannot afford.

It used to be different. Men would drop casual hints like “What do you think of so and so’s ring? How about that pear-cut diamond and that setting?” They’d subtly open a very general conversation about what each of them likes about anything, but with the actual intention of cherrypicking her preferences on an engagement ring, if she had any at all. Like his hunter-gatherer ancestors, he’d patiently stalk his prey acutely aware of its tracks left behind.

Armed with this deeper appreciation of his quarry, men would hunker over a diamond and analyze the 4Cs like they were looking at the engine of a used automobile. Women primarily focused on the size (Carat) or the shape of the diamond (Cut), but a man’s brain geared for engineering investigates further. They’d learn the mundane ratings behind the Color and Clarity, then devise a plan for capturing the perfect prize with his meager resources (in this case, his pocketbook). With hours of research and cunning espionage, he’d select the perfect ring for his bride-to-be. As anticipation would build, he’d enjoy the mere fantasy of giving his bride such a beautiful gift as a sign of their permanent, precious, sacred bond.

Thankfully, for the sake of being practical, we’ve been able to cut through the fun and romance to make sure she gets what she wants. Why be coy? This is love, right?

Therein is our dirty little secret. The desire to make her happy becomes a confusion of priorities. This is but one small example of the beauty of the fairy-tale wedding. It is the ring that matters. It is the dress, the flowers, the food, the music and the shoes that matter. It is not the marriage, the man or the meaning that matter. Popular culture marvels at this kind of couple. The idea of a celebrity marriage is permeating all classes. We’ve all seen the couple that separates or divorces within a year. But hey, they had a great wedding reception!

For the men, it’s a sign of his new life as a “fat dumb hubby.” It begins with his intellectual laziness. Why waste time determining his bride’s likes and dislikes and planning a surprise when it’s so much easier to just ask? It’s also the beginning of his life as a eunich. We’ve set the precedent where the woman calls the shots, he just needs to shut up and cut the check. With luck, we’ve spun a new cycle of shame, self loathing and resentment. Can you think of a better way to start a marriage?

Thanks again. Loved the story.

Warmest Regards,
Wigglebrick

The Vault

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