Dear Bunglehorn,

Check out the new Clearasil commercials airing on prime-time. They’re perfect fodder for your patient, especially “Mom” showing a teenage boy hitting on his friend’s mother, followed by the tagline, “Clearasil gives you confidence.”

Brilliant! I can’t decide what I like better: the boy-chases-mom phenomenon going ultra mainstream or knowing that people will hardly bat an eye (other than a few overly sensitive parents and teachers). You can follow our broad MILF campaign quite easily, from seedy porn websites a decade ago, to the coming of age movie, American Pie, to a familiar pop song and now to Clearasil running more of their sexual innuendo ads for kids. Yeah baby, Stacy’s Mom really do got it going on!

These new Clearasil ads carry two of my favorite themes. The first is pitting kids against authority, namely teachers and parents. This is especially helpful in our resistance of a universal Church with a patriarchic hierarchy and formal doctrine. The second theme is how sexual conquest makes a boy a man and a girl a woman.

Get these ads in front of your patient, ideally around a group of 20-30 something guys drinking, say while playing poker or watching a Pay Per View fight. Younger men tend to one-up each other, inevitably boasting their sexual conquests, real or fantasy, before they mature to the point of realizing what utter fools they are.

By no means should he watch this commercial in the presence of women. He’ll find their disgust to be unpalatable. If this accidentally happens, just hint that they don’t “get” sophomoric humor, how “boys will be boys.” Don’t let him realize therein is his problem, he’s thinking as a boy, not as a man.

And don’t let him see the media’s hypocrisy: they play commercials hinting at teen-adult sexuality, then pounce on salacious teacher-student scandals. Their news uncovers all the sordid details, because they care, because it must stop.

Look how far we’ve come since the Sexual Revolution. In 1967, Dustin Hoffman was a young man home from college in The Graduate who fought off the advances of an older married female neighbor. Today, the boys are the aggressors and they are much much younger. Now we’re trying to flip roles (young girls and older men) but despite feminist demands for gender equality, this seems innately perverted to the masses. Give it time.

Warmest Regards,
Wigglebrick

Dear Bunglehorn,

I’m sure you recall the parable of the sheep and the goats (Matthew 25:31-46) from your studies of the Enemy’s Handbook. The sheep are praised for feeding and clothing the King while the goats are condemned for ignoring him. Neither recognized the King when he revealed himself to them. The story foretells Parousia and the final judgement of nations. The treatment of the Enemy’s people ultimately mirrors one’s acceptance or rejection of him.

“Whoever receives you, receives me.”
Matthew 10:40

How, then, could you allow your patient to volunteer for Mobile Loaves and Fishes? The apostalate is predicated on feeding the homeless! Do you expect his heart to harden? If you believe as much, you’re a greater fool than I thought.

In every American city, there is an elephant standing at an intersection in the form of a beggar. At every red light, people are forced to evaluate their own goodwill. These are opportunities for you and I to plant the seeds of judgement: Stop drinking and drugging. Stop expecting that the world owes you something. Get a job! We ought to be celebrating; a generation bemoans the apathy of her youth.

You twit. You’ve allowed your patient’s Guardian Angel to intercede. He’s gone the extraordinary step of wanting to investigate homelessness in a land of vast wealth and opportunity. He’s attached himself personally. Arguably, it would have been better for your patient to give a dollar to every panhandler he meets, a proverbial fish that enables the beggar’s dependency. Actually going out to mingle with the poor, as the Son of Man did, may prove to be catastrophic. Have you not been reading the monthly Threat Matrix reports from HQ? Despite our efforts to squelch this apostolate, it continues to grow.

How could you allow this to happen?! It’s bad enough that your patient drags himself out of bed Sunday mornings to attend Mass. But you’re surely losing your grip when he shows signs of living his faith. His simple acts of goodness are a witness to the Enemy’s goodness. He is becoming a mirror of the Enemy.

The poor you will always have with you, and whenever you wish you can do good to them, but you will not always have me.
Mark 14:7

You must put a stop to this immediately. As always, you have a few angles to play. One is his time. Inundate him with the mundane necessities of work and family. Cause him to oversleep on his volunteer days. Cause him to skip lunch, so he’s hungry and feeling ill by the time he leaves work. I don’t care what you do, by all means, block the volunteerism. With luck, he may lose interest.

When he does volunteer, direct your attention on the freeloaders. There are always people looking to exploit the system out of sheer desparation. These people have lost hope, lost trust in others. Thanks to society’s shift toward functionalism, where people are valued by their contributions, it’s hard for the homeless to see how they are loved simply for who they are, in the image of their Creator, even while they’re receiving direct provisions.

Unfortunately the MLF apostolate has an insidious facet: your patient isn’t giving away his food and clothes, he’s giving away other people’s food and clothes. Such an arrangement removes personal judgement and makes it easier to volunteer. His Enemy-like behavior becomes simple: Just Give. Your patient’s heart will surely soften as people express genuine gratitude for his gifts; they’ll love him by his mere presence!

In this state, do you think he will care that freeloaders are taking more than their share. No you fool! He’ll gladly give a woman three bags, while others get one. This is closer to the Enemy’s sense of fairness than man’s sense of justice. Have you forgotten the vineyard owner and his laborers? (Matthew 20:1-16)

Therefore, you’re only option is to remind him of those who will not receive because a freeloader took more than their share. Of course, this is disconnected logic, similar to an American child being made to finish his peas because children are starving in China. Your goal is to reorient him toward man’s justice, in conflict with the Enemy, in order to harden his heart.

It’s a long shot, but hopefully he’ll miss the forest for the trees. As is often the Holy Spirit’s modus operandi, he probably won’t see the fruits of his labor in this ministry. If you can focus his attention on the freeloading, the opportunists, the grabbing mobs of desperate mothers, he’s apt to miss the simple love and goodness behind his actions.

Warmest Regards,
Wigglebrick

Dear Bunglehorn,

I note that your patient has been a subscriber to Michael Moore’s email newsletter for almost a decade, since his college days, when the regular missive offered thoughtful tidbits he observed on the human condition.

Around the release of his book, Stupid White Men, Moore altered his disbatch into a clever propaganda vehicle to his thousands of subscribers. It advanced his films, Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11 with successful pleas for support. The newsletter became an insider’s scoop, a story about his stories. Fascinating move. I marvel at his ability to use new media to drive profit. America’s most popular socialist succeeds through unbridled capitalism!

Moore takes a different tact in his latest letter of the Sicko campaign. He attaches a complete internal memo by the VP of Communication at Blue Cross. By showing his critic’s entire message, Moore appears transparent and intellectually honest. He labels the memo as secret, which would be accurate if the world had a right to Blue Cross memos. For Moore to be truly transparent, he’d show us all his internal memos, right?

You really have to admire his claim that the Bush Administration is out to confiscate his movie. Moore can confidentally muckrake because he enjoys the blind allegiance of many thousands of followers, who coincidentally mistrust authority, especially Bush branded authority. Moore offers no evidence of such a ploy other than his open letter to the Dept of the Treasury. Moore later explains his lawyers’ speculated that Treasury Secretary, Henry Paulson may go after Moore and his movie:

I was floored when our lawyers told me this. “Are you saying they might actually confiscate our movie?” “Yes,” was the answer. “These days, anything is possible. Even if there is just a 20 percent chance the government would seize our movie before Cannes, does anyone want to take that risk?”

Certainly not. So there we were last week, spiriting a duplicate master negative out of the country just so no one from the government would take it from us. (Seriously, I can’t believe I just typed those words! Did I mention that I’m an American, and this is America and NO ONE should ever have to say they had to do such a thing?)
Michael Moore in his May 17, 2007 newsletter

As with most ardent critics of Moore, the VP of BCBS is compelling, especially against the sophomoric layman’s tone that makes Michael so endearing (and a master storyteller). Why would Moore include his critic’s entire memo? Because this is his standard M.O. – insinuate his own transparency, then humbly call for a debate with the CEO (remember Roger and Me? The execs at K-Mart? Scampering politicians everywhere?). The CEOs have no option. If they ignore Moore, then he can claim further evidence of the dastardly corporate / GOP enemy. If they accept a debate, or worse, an appearance in a movie he edits, the powers that be will be made to look foolish. Moore isn’t seeking truth; this has been demonstrated over and over and over and over. Moore markets his films at the expense of his enemies.

Sicko will undoubtedly drive the American health care system to the forefront of national political debate. You and I should be concerned because these kind of public discussions inevitably require people to reflect on personal and national values. It’s only a short hop to mass softening of hearts and renewed introspection on the likes of the Beatitudes, self-sacrifice and social justice. I’d rather avoid the whole matter if possible.

We’ll be fine as long as the central point made by this VP at BCBS is buried. His central point is there is not a quick fix. A nation’s collective health care is a shared responsibility. A man cannot reasonably hope to relinquish to others his duty of proper care to his personal health and wellbeing and expect positive sweeping results. The Enemy warns of the consequences of sin. Why not diffuse responsibility of vice, as this early socialist suggests:

I want not less spooning in the Parks of Recreation and Rest, more abortion, more freedom and hilarity in every way; abstinence is not a good foundation for socialism.
Anthony Crosland

I commend you, Bunglehorn, you’re playing your patient’s sympathy card expertly. Michael wins converts when his opponents resort to ad hominem attacks and you’ve been sure to illustrate such unrequited passion negatively. Your patient has come so far as to admire Moore, despite knowing of his half-true statements (ergo false statements) and manipulative editing tactics.

It is true, when a Moore critic calls him fat, Moore wins. When people blanketly call him un-American, Moore wins. America, or at least the classic American dream, represents a good and just society with opportunities for everyone. One who follows Moore’s work can see that his underlying motivation is standing up for the little guy. The underdog theme has universal appeal. It’s American, even Christian at it’s core. Moores vision of a good and just America isn’t so radical, he merely advocates a different approach than the traditionalists with which he battles.

One quick aside…when encouraging your patient, you should refer to Moore’s critics as his critics or his traditionalist foes. Do not speak as I have here. Moore is the progressive. He is battling the status quo. Flip the sentence subject and object so that your patient will register the inverse – Moore is fending off evil-doers. Language matters!

Fortunately for Moore, his opponents do not directly take him to task for what he says in his own medium. If they were adept, they’d use the maestro’s own film strategies against him. He’s the big guy now, right? Some have tried, but they’re mere disciples in the shadow of a master.

Warmest Regards,
Wigglebrick

Bunglehorn,

Did you hear about the Philadelphia fireworks fiasco last night? Due to rainy weather, city officials canceled their Independence Day fireworks show after people waited for hours to see it. Then, as the crowds departed, so did the clouds. The officials launched the show, but most spectators had left. The news accounts how everyone is upset.

CBS reports, “A call to the mayor’s office to obtain comment has not been returned.” Perhaps Mayor John F. Street is too busy playing with his new iPhone? He waited in line for hours, until some kid in a mohawk asked him “How can you sit here with 200 murders in the city already?” Another example of how easily perception shifts with a simple little question.

May I suggest, show these stories to your patient and elucidate for him this irony: an event meant to spark patriotic pride causes resentment of public leaders. In the deeply historic City of Brotherly Love, no less!

The conductors of the fireworks show can only operate with the information they have at the time. The weather cleared within minutes of cancellation, safety returned, so they pulled the trigger. Probably saved the city a few million dollars in future expenses. But deluged with these kind of stories, your patient ought to arrive at our conclusion: your leaders are idiots.

In a sense, they are dolts with respect to public relations. Mayor Street ought to be out front first thing this morning apologizing and making the city’s case for safety, savings and litigation avoidance. Doubtful they will and doubtful the national media would cover it anyway.

You and I benefit from a man’s general distrust in his elected leaders because it erodes his confidence in any authority. With luck, he’ll come to doubt the existence of an Absolute Authority, ergo his Creator. Even if he doesn’t go that far, he’ll at least turn inward for solace. Makes sense if he can’t depend on the leaders in his life.

Therefore, do your part to hide goodness by authority figures. Focus on the foolishness, mistakes and evil. Turn him against his parents, his teachers, his bosses and his spiritual guides. Convince him he knows better and can do better. You know where lack of humility takes him.

Warmest Regards,
Wigglebrick

Greetings Bunglehorn,

The US Catholic Bishops are urging Amnesty International to reverse their abortion policy. Thankfully, we can count on the MSM to ignore their plea. This is important because many people may not realize Amnesty International’s policy has slid from allowing abortions in cases of rape, incest and the jeopardy of the mother’s life to decriminalization in all cases. Conservatives note how their radical left turn is alienating their own members and places the group staunchly in our favor. It’s a big win for us given AI’s foundation by a Catholic layman motivated by life and social justice issues.

I know your patient is unsure what to think about abortion. Like many fence-riders, he’s sympathetic to the concept of an unwanted pregnancy. It’s best if you weight his sympathy toward the mother and away from the child. Ideally, he’ll come to believe the child isn’t a child at all. It’s funny, there is no argument that she is a mother, yet so many convince themselves the object in her womb, the very child that defines her as a mother, is merely a clump of cells, an embryo, a fetus, even a parasite. Anything but a child!

Here is another lesson in sympathy. For decades, we’ve slowly convinced people to accept our valuation of humanity: people are no longer valued simply for who they are, rather for their contributions to others. That is how one can reconcile abortion, cloning, embryonic stem cell research and euthanasia in their hearts. One life is sacrificed because it has a lower value. Ironically, the aborted child’s sacrifice is the greater contribution because she gave her life. (Actually her life is taken by abortion. And overwhelmingly it’s little girls who are aborted, victims of infanticide or abandoned.)

People intuitively understand a life is sacrificed for another, so they have sympathy for a mother who aborts her child. They recognize the trauma in her choice. Your charge is to misguide this unavoidable sympathy through demands to decriminalize abortion in order to make it more accessible. We must shake off the evil stigma of abortion. Actually, the US Catholic Bishops agree with Amnesty International on decriminalization. The Enemy’s Church has long held that post-abortive women and men need mercy, healing and compassion. Let’s keep your patient from seeing such a logical position, lest he offer a much deeper sympathy.

Warmest Regards,
Wigglebrick